Incomprehensible Ramblings

Madden 2007

2006-08-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I just bought Madden 2007 for my PS2... life couldnt get any better today... or so I thought. I came home, just got my franchise set up (Go Chargers!), had just started my first preseason game and the BOOM! my PS2 freezes up, which it continues to do with each new try. I think I may hang myself now...

Are all women crazy?

2006-07-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

Seriously though? Are they? How come everything can be going seemingly perfect, yet she still finds things to worry about and get stressed over? I mean, sometimes I feel like girls are trying to ruin a good thing. Why would you do that? I have basically spent the last 6 days with Natalie, and it has been amazing. Its never been this great with a girl so quick, not even with Morgan. And at first it was cute that she kept worrying about us, but now its just crazy. I dont know what more I can do to convince that my feelings for her are real and that Im not scared of commitment. Whatever, girls are beyond comprehension to me. I will incredibly upset if this thing doesnt work out with Nat because she overthinks it all. On another note, the 4th of July was awesome, just sat on the beach all day and drank, hung out with friends, and turned cherry red! Natalie is an amazing girl that Im falling for, and so it was great to hang out with her all weekend. But I just needed to blow off a little steam about girls being crazy. So a message to all girls: STOP IT! Use logic, on behalf of all men, I beg you.

They should make a reality show about me...

2006-06-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

My life had been really boring lately. Wake up, work out, go to work, come home and sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. Really it has been like that for the last few months, nothing at all interesting to talk about. But if you know me, you know that I like, well, difficult situations, if you will. On Sunday night, however, I took the boring right out of my life. Let me give you a little backstory before I get into what happened Sunday night. About 2 weeks ago (at Matt's Bachelor Party), I met a girl while I was in an incredibly drunken stupor (nothing new for me). For this girls protection, lets call her Katy. Well, I woke up at Katys house the next morning, vaguely remembering meeting her. Now I instantly knew that I was not interested in Katy as a girlfriend or even as someone I would like to casually date for awhile. But since life had been boring lately and I hadnt had much in the way of girls in a LONG time, I decided I would at least hang out with her from time to time, for a bit, just because I had nothing better to do. I hung out with Katy about 10 days later, the first time Id seen her since I woke up at her place. This was last Thursday night, and this was also where the trouble began. See, when I got to Katy's, her good friend, lets call her Nicole, was there. Within 5 minutes of talking to Nicole, I knew she was the kind of girl that I would love to date (and if you don't know, I have a 5 minute rule, being that I feel within 5 minutes of meeting a girl I can tell if I would be interested in her or not... its not foolproof however). But I figured it wouldnt happen, here I was hanging out with her good friend. On Sunday night, a couple nights later, I went to hang out with Katy again, and who did we end up picking up from a bar? You probably guessed it, Nicole. "Great," I thought to myself, "I am going to be forced to hang out with Nicole and have to secretly want her." Although, after a few drinks, I realized it didnt have to be a secret (everything seems like a better idea when you are drunk, I think we should all have to do the things we say we are gonna do when we are drunk all the time, how funny would that be?). Well, long story short, I went out to a bar with Ben, left the girls behind, but since Katy lives walking distance from Ben and my car was at her place, we planned on me coming back to stay at her place. Oh, and did I mention Nicole was going to be staying on Katy's couch? Because she was. So the plan was set, the liquid courage was in place, I was going to walk into Katy's, get on the couch with Nicole and tell her how I felt (I was fully prepared to be rejected flat out, also accepting that it effectively meant an end to Katy and I hanging out, but that was all fine with me. It may not sound like it from the way this story is going, but I really am a hopeless romantic [gay, I know], and I always figure that we shouldnt let anything stand in our way when we think we could have something special with someone). So I landed on the couch and had a nice talk with Nicole, ultimately laying it out there that I had a little crush on her. And to my surprise, she did too. I didnt know what to do, like I said, I fully expected to be rejected. Now I was just winging, but I am pretty good at that while intoxicated, so we devised our plan on how to make this thing work. And this is where I stand now, trying to make the switcharoo, its all very Seinfeldian (the Menage-A-Trois episode). I hope that it works, Nicole is a really cool girl and seems like my type (according to Andi, my type being a girl who will "whip me into shape"). Its pretty crazy drama, but really, Im happy that its back in my life, things were getting way too boring.

Coining another phrase and misinterpretation...

2006-05-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to love to how many people totally read my last post, ignored what I actually said, and then tried to argue a point. If I say that I understand you cannot own a person and I do not mean to imply it by saying yours, then why would you read it any other way? If I admit that it is selfish and not virtuous by any means, why are you going to argue that it is selfish? If I clearly state that it only applies to people you truly cared about a loved, why are you going as if I said it applied to every girl you've ever had? Nick read this, interpreted in his own way, argued it with his own (mis)interpretation, and now everyone seems to think what I said is what Nick said. Not that I dont think Nick is an intelligent person, because he is, but having my English degree, Ive learned a lot about reading and interpretation. And there were those in English classes who read things and interpreted them how they wanted to, ignored what the writer was atually saying, ignored circumstances, and then used this interpretation alone. Trust me, they did poorly in class. If I say something clearly, maybe you shouldnt argue it. If I say I don't think "yours" implies ownership, then take me at my word, I am being honest. Try and read the rest of the blog in my mind set, not how you want to. And finally, people are acting as if I think that the girl has absolutely no say in this whatsoever, which is an absolutely absurd assumption. Why would I think this? Of course the girl has final say over anything, after all, she is of free will. Like I said at the end of that blog, don't make arguments with me if you are going to make invalid points based on false assumption and misinterpretations. I should also add, be honest with yourself and with me if you want to argue it. We would all like to think we are saints and we never act selfishly or solely in our own interest, but its not the truth. Deal with it.

On another note, Id like to coin a new phrase. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me... I fall in and out of love very easily. Now, for those of you who have trouble with interpretation, I dont mean real, true love. By love in this case I actually mean I get a crush on them. Ive decided that this should be known as a "Brad Crush." I am fickle, I am picky, I easily find flaws in others. However it may seem though, I really believe that each girl could be the "one." I really do, this is how my brain works, and probably, this is how bad I just want to be in real love. My current "Brad Crush" is this girl that I work with... she's cute, seems to have a good sense of humor, and does the same thing I do for a job. This is now a good time to mention that Brad Crushes are mostly based on first impressions. I hardly know this girl... I think Ive talked to her all of two times, maybe seen her three or four. But still, in my head there is a chance this girl could be the one. But don't be fooled, she surely is not the first crush Ive had since Ive had this job. She is approximately number 5. I have had this job for 6 months. You heard it, 6 months. And this isnt something new for me... I recall back in 1st grade, having the hots for at least 6 girls at a time. Its not that I actually want 6 girls at a time, I just want to see everything thats out there before I make any final decisions.
I will say about this girl, however, she is the first of my crushes in awhile that I actually have a legitimate shot with. The others were either a little too old for me or nurses (For those of you who are not familiar with the ranks and what not of the medical world, EMT's are kind of the bottom feeders. Most nurses will not really give you the time of day, and in a way, rightfully so, we are kind of the bitches. Nurses mainly go for Paramedics and Firefighters, because they are the bad asses. Now, naturally most EMTs want to and eventually will become one or both of those things, but just as we have to work our way up the career ladder, we have to work our way up the nurse ladder.). This girl, on the other hand, is my age, she is cute, but not that cute. She has the same job as me. And from the 5 minutes of conversation we have had, I think she would fit just right. My case and point for how much I really just want to know this girl and I shes not just some hotty that I want to get with... apparently she has quite large boobies... and I never noticed this. Me. I didnt notice it... which to me means only one thing, it must be love, love, love (I say this all with tongue in cheek, mind you). Who knows though, the next time I write a blog it will probably be about some other girl or something like that. We'll see...

My "Grandfather" Clause

2006-04-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

A very interesting subject has come up in conversation a few times over the last couple weeks, and I have presented a clause, if you will, on this (although I know that clause really isn't the right word for it, I am going to use it anyway because I like the way it sounds). Basically, what I argue is that if ever a girl has been "yours," then in a way you always have the right to make her "yours" again, even if just for a night, whether or not she has a boyfriend (of course this is with her consent, I do not endorse most forms of rape). I know this needs clarifying, so be patient. Now, I understand that you can never really "own" a person, and that is not what I mean by her being "yours." I mean it in the sense that your heart belonged to her and hers to you. Sappy, a little, but we have all had this experience. Now what I believe is that if you have had this with a girl, then she was yours, and even if she now has a new boyfriend, there is nothing wrong on your part if you hook up with her or even steal her back. The argument being that she was yours first, and you have a Grandfather clause with her. There are obviously exceptions to this, as there always are. But the reason this exists is because it is wrong to hook up with a girl or steal a girl who is with another guy. I have been cheated on before, and let me tell you, it SUCKS. So I would not want to make another guy suffer through that, especially for something trivial like a hook up. However, if she was mine first, I wouldnt feel bad, because, like I just said, she was mine first. Ive talked to a number of guys about this and everyone has agreed with me, mostly because everyone has at least one girl that they feel will always belong to them in some small way. I have two. And what I am trying to say is that if I hooked up with either one of them while they had other boyfriends, I wouldnt feel bad about it. And if another guy did it to me, Id understand where he was coming from. But I am curious what other people think about this. However, I dont want people trying to prove exceptions to me, because I know they exist. For example, if one of my two were dating a friend of mine, I wouldnt do it, because other rules come into effect. And make sure you understand what I am saying before you argue or agree with my point. I understand this point of view may not be the most virtuous, but I believe there is a selfish part in most all of us that feels this exact way.

San Diego Love and other random stuff

2006-04-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

San Diego really is America's Finest City. Sure, it has its downsides, the cost of living is incredibly high, there are a lot of really shallow people, etc. But where else can you get weather like we have had year round? There have been some cloudy days lately, but can we really complain, its still not very cold, and for every cloudy day we have, we get 4 days full of sun. And in San Diego there is always something fun to do and some cool place to be. For me on Saturday is was at Cass St Bar and Grill (yes, a place I do spend a lot of time at, but not as much lately). Ben and I headed over there around 5, and thanks to wonderful daylight savings, we had a good two hours of sunshine left. With Cass being open like it is, it made the absolute perfect place to spend the last couple hours of daylight, playing pool, drinking cheap pitchers ($7 for Red Hook IPA), listening to good music (Ben and I dominated the jukebox), and just enjoying good conversation and a good time. There is nothing quite like a few beers near or on the beach to get a good night started off. Its times like that I never want to leave San Diego because Id have to be crazy to want anything more. Its also times like that I understand why so many people live in the PB or Mission Beach area and work low end jobs, making just enough to live, drink, and chill on the beach (although Im sure most of them get help from Mommy and Daddy). But I just understand it, I dont want it for myself, I like to have goals that go beyond "get drunk with friends at beach."
Anyway, Saturday night ended up being an incredibly random night, hanging out at lots of different places with lots of different people. The only real highlight (or lowlight, if you wish) was running into this girl I went on one date with about a month ago and then never heard from again. I thought that we had had a really good time when we went out, so I wasnt sure what happened, but I found out. When I ran into her, she wouldnt even say hi, she just gave me a cold look and that was all. I got the hint. Obviously I was really bugged by this, I had no idea why she would act this way toward me, for all I knew I had done nothing wrong. This eventually prompted me to send her a myspace message asking what was up. Well it turns out she was absolutely repulsed by my personality and had no problem sharing that with me once I had asked. I know that I can rub some people the wrong way, I just have that kind of personality, but I thought for sure I hadnt done this to her, after all, I thought we'd had a good date. Apparently at some points during the "date" (I put it like this because we just hung out at a few bars, not really a date), I mentioned that I like to act cocky and believe that I am the shit and also I must have made fun of some group of people or as she put it "hate" on others. Now, if you know me at all, you shouldnt be surprised by this whatsoever. Of course I did these things, thats what I do. But you should also know that I am not really like that. When it comes down to it I am a really nice, genuine person. I may act cocky at bars because it is fun and I dont care what people think of me there, I am actually somewhat humble. I suppose what bugged me the most was the she judged me as someone she "couldnt respect." I probably have should have used better judgement on the things I said around someone who didnt know me at all, but she still jumped to a huge conclusion and decided to hate me. I dont think I have ever met anyone who disliked me as much as she apparently does. Like I said, I have a strange sense of humor and tend to say stupid things, but I feel like the good in me always shines through and that I am a generally likeable person. But I guess not to everyone. In the end it is pretty funny.
On a few other notes, I have been talking to Carley a lot lately, and it makes me really happy that she and I can still be friends after all we have been through. I really do enjoy talking to her. I wish I could have that kind of relationship with more of my exes. I sent some random text messages to Morgan on Saturday night, but they were harmless and she actually responded promptly, that really surprised me. Anyway, Ive been sitting in front of this computer for a few hours now writing about the pathophysiology of different diseases and need to get up for a bit.

Isnt it strange?

2006-03-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

Human attraction is such a strange thing. That is, the attraction between two people with romantic ideas. I just dont get it? But does anybody? I have this new theory that I can tell within 5 minutes of seeing and talking someone whether or not they are someone I could be attracted to. Now I accept at this point it is flawed, because my own history shows that I have been wrong about this. But I still think that it works most of the time. Most recently an example would be this: Theres this girl I had a few classes with last year, I always thought she was very pretty, seemed incredibly cool, just my type of girl. I also never talked her. Recently I found her on myspace (lame, I know) and we started talking. We ended up hanging out about a week ago. It was a fun night, and I was totally right about her, I think she could totally be my type of girl. And other than me totally being strange at the end of the night and I think accidently giving her the impression I wasnt at all interested, I think she had a good time too. Well I did my best to make sure I made it clear to her that I actually was interested. I think. But now Im getting off track. The point is, I had never even spoken to this girl (well, we may have said "hi" once or twice, but thats about it), but I still knew that she was someone I could get to be very interested in (Actually I still dont know for sure, but I have a feeling, I need to spend more time around her). Ive also known instantly that girls that are clearly quite attractive just arent my type, so I know its not even worth bothering. Maybe this theory just comes from all the experience I have had with girls, so I just know quicker. Or maybe it comes through cynicism, after having my heart broken a few times I dont even want to bother trying unless a girl fits a certain mold. Then again this latest girl doesnt really fit any mold, which is good.
Beyond that, its so strange that one person could be totally into another, and the feeling be not at all mutual. At the time, I can think of at least two girls who are interested in me that I have no interest in at all (Im not trying to brag, I bet if anyone thought about it, they could think of one or two of these people, too). They are both attractive, have nice personalities... they just do absolutely nothing for me. And I have been on the other end of this as well. Ive been extremely interested in girls who dont want to even bother with me. I guess sometimes we just have to accept that "its just not there." And thats the thing, we cant really define "it." "It" is intangible, really undescribable other than saying its that certain something that makes us attracted to someone. Although we can not confuse "it" with liking someone just because they dont like you. I am the king of that, wanting someone a lot mroe simply because they dont want me. Its like a challenge. But we all know that Im an idiot.
Human attraction is a funny, sometimes its exciting, sometimes overwhelming, consuming, intense. Sometimes it drives us crazy, breaks our heart, and makes us cry. But I guess its all just a part of the human experience. And really its all pretty funny when you think about it.

On my shoulder...

2006-03-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

You know in cartoons an angel will pop up on one shoulder of the character and a devil on the other shoulder, and they debate on what choice to make? Isn't weird when stuff like that happens to us in real life. Today for me it wasnt quite a choice but rather the angel telling me why I love this job and the devil making me want to quit it immediately. Long story short, I ended up working nearly 36 straight hours from Friday morning till Saturday afternoon. The last call we ran was a head on accident involving injuries to a father, mother, and son. Now when I hear these three together I think of some happy family. Oh no, think absolute white trash, and the accident was caused because both husband and wife were more hammered than I have ever been (and Im not kidding), and Dad was driving. But if that wasnt enough the accident also happened because Dad was busy punching Mom. Isnt life wonderful? Mind you, all of this was before noon. After long medical exams and rescue efforts, I jumped in the back of the medics rig to help transport the son (a sweet little 5-year-old) and dad. Heres is where the angel and devil part kicked in. As I crouched between the two for most of the one hour transport, on my right I had the son, a scared little kid I spent the entire time trying to calm and assure that everything was going to be okay, that we were helping him. On my left was dad, screaming with drunken, muderous rage about how he was going to kill me, beat the fu&$ out of me, and called me every nasty thing you could ever imagine. Of course he was handcuffed to the gurney, so he wasnt going anywhere. Oh, also he threatened to sue me numerous times and tried to convince his son to hate us. Now here was the most depressing part, 5-year-old son trying to calm father, telling him that we are here to help him. So like I said, everything I could ever love about this job on my right side. Helping someone who actually needs it, making a difference to this little kid, calming someone who is scared. This is why I do this, this is why I love this job, I get to help people who really need it. Then there was my left, every reason that makes this job so hard sometimes. Someone who needs medical help but not only don't they want it, they want to harm you for trying to help. It is honestly depressing to see the situation this kid lived in... abusive, drunk father (and mom wasnt much better, I just didnt have to deal with her on the transport. Normally I think that it is a really bad thing for kids to be in orphanges and what not, but not here. I hope more than anything that dad spends a long time in prison for drunken driving, wife and possible child abuse, and everything else. No child deserves to grow up in these conditions. And while maybe because of what happened today, this kid wont, but there are still countless others who live with it every day. Dealing with the dregs of society is such an experience, it makes you angry and it makes you sad. You appreciate what you have had all your life, but you feel helpless to make any difference. I guess thats what being in the EMS field is all about, teaching as well, and many other professions. You arent going to change the world, but maybe you can change a few lives. Cheesy, I know, but also true.
In all, however, it was a long 36 hours, but also very intense and exciting. I learned a lot and got to do a lot I hadnt done before. I just know that for the moment I hate snow.

How Video Games Save Lives

2006-01-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

So just a couple days ago I got to drive Code (Lights and Sirens) for only the second time since I've been an EMT. But this time was more intense for two reasons: We were responding to an MVC (motor vehicle collision) and there was some serious traffic getting there. But hell, this wasnt a challenge for me, I was prepared. After all, I knew all those hours spent playing Grand Theft Auto would finally come in handy. I dodged and weaved through traffic like an old pro. People were moving out of my way, I was driving on the wrong side of the road, everything. And let me tell you, there is no rush like driving code. Everyone says you eventually get over it, but for now it is awesome. And I cant imagine it not being fun at any point. At the end, my partner complimented me on how well I handled my way through the traffic, all while totally keeping my calm. The only real difference between driving code and playing GTA is that Im trying to save people instead of hurt them. And in case you were concerned, the accident ended up not being too bad and no one seemed to be seriously injured, which is always good.
And now, just because Im bored and have been thinking about it, these are some things that I really want to do at some point in my life:
I really want to buy an old beat-up classic muscle car and totally rebuild it. But I really want to wait on this one because I want to do it with my kids, so not only will they have something to be proud of, but they will learn a ton about cars. As of now I know nothing about cars, so I need to start learning too.
I want to climb a moutain. And I mean a big one. Maybe not Everest, although that would be amazing, but a really big mountain. One that takes a ton of training and hard work. I think getting to the top would be an amazing feeling. Again, Ive never climbed even a small mountain, so I need to get to work on this one.
I want to attend a party at the Playboy mansion. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.
I want to go on an amazingly expensive date, one where we both get $100 lobster and share a $200 bottle of wine. Just cause I like stuff like that.
I want to go to every state in the country. Even if it just means driving through one or touching down in the airport, I want to be able to say Ive been to all 50.
Along those lines, I want to attend every major sporting events championship and both olympics. That means the Super Bowl, the NBA Finals, the World Series, the Stanley Cup, the World Cup, as well as the Winter and Summer Olympics. And don't even mention some NASCAR race, I refuse to ever accept driving a car as a sport, at least not a major sport.
I want to go to Carnavale in Rio de Janero, Mardi Gras in New Orleans (if it ever returns to the same place it once was), and any other major party event that happens across the world.
Eventually I need to learn how to surf, because I think Id make a great surf bum.
I could defintely keep listing more, and there are some important ones I havent even gotten to yet, as well as the obvious things like fall in love, get married, have kids, have a great job, etc. But you get the idea... maybe we can have a part II at some point.

One of those days...

2006-01-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you get like a million things done? I am super lazy 90% of the year (and thats low-balling it), but every once and awhile I get a day when I have nothing to do, and if Im feeling just so I actually go out and get everything done. You know how it is, there are a bunch of little errands you have to run, people you have to go talk to, things you need to go buy, etc. All that shit builds up because you dont want to run just that single errand or because you are a lazy fuck like me. Well today I spent like 6 straight hours in my car getting all of that stuff done, and it feels great. Today was the perfect day for it because it was so nice outside that I was happy I was out doing something, although I suppose there could have been more fun things to do. But still, you feel totally satisfied with yourself, like you were actually productive for once. Its kinda like pulling a 10k on the erg. It sucks, you dont want to do it. You keep thinking about what a pain in the ass it is going to be, but you know eventually you have to do it. But then it turns out to be a perfect day like today, the sun is out, there are hotties tanning by the pool on campus, so you pull your erg outside and bust out your 10k. Its not necessarily fun when you are doing it, but you are distracted by boobies, and when you are finished you feel really good about getting it done. Its a feeling of satisfaction. I love that feeling.
Today I decided to top off all my errands by taking Zeke and Daisy for a walk. My God, it was like taking two retards to the zoo. Both of them wanted to go in different directions at all times and smell different things. I think they almost yanked my arm off on four separate occassions. And dont you love how stupid dogs are, they are both trying to go full speed at the end of their leashes, choking themselves half to death in the process. Then they start coughing and making queer noises, yet they still run themselves at full speed. What the hell can be so good that continually choking yourself isnt a deterrant? Maybe dogs are just masochists. Anyway, it was nice to have a day off finally, and I need it because Im working every day next week, something like 84 hours. Should be fun.

New Years and Why Im an Idiot

2006-01-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I think this new years celebration may have been the best to date, not necessarily because there was so much fun had (although there was tons of that) but because of the numerous stories that will never be forgotten from this weekend. Amongst those include an Oscar-worthy performance by Joe Pease for his role as Insane Naked Drunk guy in an effort that rivals Mark Wahlberg's work in "Fear" and nudity that would make Kevin Bacon blush. However this night was just a warm-up for New Years which would include one Rocco McMahon* (name changed) and myself switching partners not once, not twice, but three times. Yes girls, if you really want to earn respect for yourselves, just make sure you make out with two guys at least twice in the same night. Seriously, I think Ron Jeremy would have been proud of the effort by Rocco and I. Aside from the great stories, it was just a really fun weekend full of way too much booze and way too little sleep. I am definitely feeling the effects today as I am hardly able to get out of bed, but it was definitely worth it. And speaking of lack of sleep and this weekend, I had a serious bout with Karma on Thursday night/Friday morning. You see, with my EMT job I am "on call" on Friday from 6 am till 4 pm, and basically I am supposed to call in at 6 to see if they have any openings for me to come and work. Well I was SURE they wouldnt on Friday because I wanted to work and called about 4 times on Thursday to see if there was anything, and there wasnt. So since I had the next day off, I decided drinking was in order for Thursday night. After getting through several pitchers and Cass St (the usual drinking hole for Thursdays) I proceeded to make fun of a "differently-abled" person at the bar (lets just say I likened him to a certain legendary citizen of a famous church in Paris). Now I knew I was basically buying myself a one-way ticket to Hell (like I didnt already have one), and I even quipped that I would probably be struck down by lightening as I left the bar even though it was a perfectly clear night. As it turns out, I had the right idea, just the wrong method. After not getting to bed until almost 4 am, my alarm scared the hell out of me when it went off at 6 am, as I had forgot why I was waking up so early. After spending a minute or two figuring out why my alarm was on, I realized I had to call work. Thinking it would be a 30 second call for them to tell me there were no openings, I found that there was one and I had to be to work as soon as possible. Karma. I arrived 30 minutes later, still drunk, and had to explain the situation to my partner and why she had to drive. See, the lesson as always is that God works in mysterious ways and he will punish you for being an ass hole. Oh, and that Im an idiot. One last funny memory from the weekend, on Friday night Nolan and I decided that we were going to give girls nicknames. And I dont mean behind their back, I mean we were telling that that we wanted to give them nicknames and then we would think of something stupid and call them that for the rest of the night. It sounds like a horrible idea, but for some strange reason girls LOVED it. Im not even kidding, just about every girl wanted us more after we treated them like that. Ill never understand women. Anyway, most of the nicknames had nothing at all to do with the girl, it was just random shit we came up with, the best example being the two girls we decided to call Domino Harvey and Aeon Flux. Domino and Aeon loved us, couldnt get enough of us, it was so strange. But now I love this method because I am HORRIBLE at remembering names, but if Im handing out nicknames, Im sure Ill remember. Anyway, I was gonna get to some resolution type shit, but thatll have to wait for another entry.

All I Really Want for Christmas...

2005-12-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season in which everyone is asking the same question, "What do you want for Christmas?" I'll tell you what I want, I want snow on the mountains, fresh powder everywhere to ride down. I want the season to start now and never end. I want rain in San Diego so that it actually feels like winter time, as much as I love the sun, I need to feel like the seasons are changing from time to time. Im not asking for a lot of rain, nothing like last year, just some here and there. Theres nothing like falling asleep while its raining outside. I want a room mate as soon as possible because I cant afford not having one. I dont want to worry about money anymore, it makes life much more stressful. I want to be over her, I dont want every little thing to remind me of her, still, four-plus months after we've broken up. I dont want to forget her, I just cant think about her anymore. I want to be able to drink as much as I like without getting hungover.
But really the season isnt about what we want, especially things that can't be given, but rather must be achieved. Really we should concentrate on being happy for what we've had, the experiences and the memories. Its better to want what you have than to have what you want.

What a weekend...

2005-12-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Chargers lost today. What a bummer, I go to my first ever Chargers game, against my second favorite team, the Dolphins, and we lose a game we need to win. And a game we were 14 point favorites for! But otherwise being at the game was great, its really a whole different experience from watching it on TV. Hopefully I am going to be going to the Broncos game on New Years Eve, afterwards probably going down to the Gaslamp. But who knows?
Im sure just about everyone who reads my blog was at our party last night, but that was pretty great. All day people have been calling me telling me how much fun they had. I love hosting parties, I think its what I do best. Except I can never talk to any one person for more than about 2 minutes. I have serious ADD at my own parties and feel an intense urge to mingle as much as possible. I definitely did that last night, although I am proud to say I also somehow managed to talk to one girl for a long time. Its probably just because she was cute and had a cool personality. I got her number too, so I should probably call her. I will, ya, I think. I mean I plan to anyway, but who knows. For some reason I get really nervous the first time I call a girl. Its strange, its like I pray for her voicemail because I feel far more comfortable when she calls me back. I guess I just feel more in control and its more spontaneous for me. Am I the only one who is like this? Besides, things never seem to work well out of situations like this, meeting someone at a party, I just feel like its not the right way to meet a girl. But as my history suggests, I dont know shit about meeting girls and having working relationships. So who knows? Ill just have to call her and see... I guess. Ya.
I think this weekend started getting me in the mood for the holidays. I went to a family Christmas party and did some other random holiday stuff like shopping. Hopefully I get to go home for a little bit, I love San Diego, but in the Winter having some rain and dead leaves really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well until next time, don't run with scissors.

Lots of sick people...

2005-12-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

People always ask me, "How's life as an EMT? Are you saving a bunch of lives?" It makes me realize that people have many, many misconceptions about Emergency Medical Services. As an EMT-Basic, I am a glorified transport driver. I spend most of my 12 hour days driving 80+ year old women from the hospital to a Nursing Facility (in the industry we call them SNFs or "Sniffs"), or transporting from one hospital to another because only certain hospitals have certain resources. And because its the holidays, we get a lot of psych patients, that is, people who tried to kill themselves or harm others. Its sad that the holidays are meant to bring people closer and bring joy to their lives, but it ends up making countless people depressed for some reason or another. I think we have really lost connection with what the holidays are all about, but thats a whole other blog. Now I say that I dont really do any life saving, and I dont, but thats because Im only an EMT-B. In August I am going to Paramedic school, and paramedics get to see some real action. See, the difference is as an EMT I took one 8 week class. In San Diego the only things I am allowed to do is give oxygen and glucose, and I can assist with a few other drugs. Now I am trained to do some other stuff, but either San Diego protocol or AMR (the company I work for) doesn't allow it. Despite the fact that my job is not very glorious and I get paid crap for doing it, it does come with certain perks. Obviously there are lots of funny stories to tell. But my favorite part is driving the ambulance. When people see an ambulance they generally assume that something very urgent is happening. An example: yesterday my partner and I went to Best Buy to do some shopping because, well, we have a lot of downtime. When I had finished I got in the ambulance and pulled it up in front of the store, parking in a red zone and partially blocking traffic. Great part is nobody cares, they naturally assume if Im doing that that there must be something important going on, little did they know I was waiting for my partner to finish his Christmas shopping. Abuse of power? Maybe, but its fun. Another great perk is the way girls look at you. In my opinion, our uniforms are hideous, but its still a uniform. And to most people, this uniform says that I am saving lives every day. So naturally all the girls have to stop and stare. And I dont just mean girls my age, girls of all age are this way. We had an EMT student ride along with us yesterday who pointed out how often girls stop and stare. And when we are in Hillcrest around Mercy hospital, Im sure some of the boys stare too. As my partner said to me the other day, "If youve ever had a self-confidence problem, this is the job for you." 90% of the old ladies we transport comment on how good looking we are. The nurses flirt with us (and there are some hot nurses, let me tell you), girls stop and stare. Im sure that in a few months I will get somewhat sick of this and desire some real action, but for now I am really enjoying it. And when people ask how its going, I typically reply with "There's lots of sick people."

My Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

For the first 22 years of my life, I spent Thanksgiving day with my family. We were never huge on any particular traditions, mostly we just ate a wonderful meal prepared by my Mom. Afterwards I would usually retire to the couch and watch football till I fell asleep (theres nothing quite like a nap after stuffing yourself full of great food). Not this year, however, this year Thanksgiving was different (by different I dont necessarily mean bad, but not good either). This year I spent Thanksgiving with three different psychiatric patients and an older woman who had been experiencing syncopal episodes (for those of you who arent familiar with your medical terminology, syncope means passing out). Now I would like to expand and tell you all about exactly what I had to deal with in details, but that would be against the law (seriously, I could be fired and taken to court for doing it, especially in such a public forum like my blog, for we all know how many people read this bad boy). Lets just say that it gave me a glimpse of how the other half lives. Some didnt know it was Thanksgiving, some didnt care. The nurses at some hospitals tried to spread some holiday joy, offering us food and drink, which we graciously accepted (although most everything had already been consumed, leaving us to fight over cookies and orange juice). As my Dad told me later in the evening when I talked to him, there is a sort of camraderie between all the people who have to work on Thanksgiving, or any holiday for that matter. And it was true, we all knew that we were suffering through the same thing. We would all rather be home with our families, but sometimes that just isnt possible. The funny thing is that the saddest part of Thanksgiving for me wasnt the patients I had to deal with. The saddest part came when I went to Boston Market with my partners to get some semblance of a Thanksgiving dinner. To my surprise there were at least 30-40 people at Boston Market getting food, on Thanksgiving. And I dont mean other people working, I mean families, buying family sized meals, from Boston Market. I though I was lucky because I wasnt a psych patient on Thanksgiving, but being at Boston Market made me realize how lucky I was to have had 22 years of SUPERB meals, homecooked and delicious. Now my Boston Market Thanksgiving dinner was edible, and on a normal day I would say it was good. But it pales in comparison to a homecooked Thanksgiving dinner. I felt so bad for all these families who were buying their dinner from a FAST FOOD CHAIN. At the end of the day, I went for a nice long run and reflected on how lucky I am to have a good family, to have my health, mental and physical, and to have good friends who care about me. So it may be a day late now, but that is what I am most thankful for, and even though I didnt get to spend my Thanksgiving the way I would have liked, I wouldnt have changed anything about yesterday.

Been a long, long while...

2005-11-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

wow, well i have the internet again, which begs the question, how in the fuck did we ever live without the internet? i felt completely cut off from my friends and the world. i hardly ever even use email but i constantly felt the need to check it when it wasnt there for me. if i needed directions somewhere i had to use the old fashioned method of calling the place and asking because mapquest wasnt at my fingertips, i had to watch sportscenter or read the newspaper to get sports scores and find out what was going on in the world of sports (i think i missed espn.com the most, i read everything on it obsessively). my typing skills are even rusty, i keep going back and correcting typing errors right now. actually its been so long since ive written anything on here i doubt anyone checks this bitch anymore.
i guess i could write about whats been going on in my life the last few months, but wouldnt that be pointless if no one is reading this thing? wait a second, who the fuck am i writing this for then? maybe im just trying to do something to satiate my need to talk about myself? thats probably it, after all ive got all kinds of ego.
so i came to this conclusion about myself a little while back, so, you know, im just going to throw it out there and see what happens. everyone thinks that i am a player (well a lot of people), an accusation that i have vehemently denied for years now. granted, i am a big flirt, especially when you get a little alcohol in me. and when you get a little more alcohol in me i think i am gods gift to women (actually i think that all the time, i just dont show it as much when im sober). i will also say that i have made out with countless girls and gotten even more girls numbers and then never called (of course theres a good chance they gave me a fake number or would have just never called me back). but i believe what separates me from a "player" is that the players intention is to just hook up with lots of girls, date multiple girls at once, and just overall get a sense of self worth based purely on the fact that they can get a lot of pussy. its not like that with me, as sappy as it sounds, i just want someone to love. every girl i meet and flirt with, whether drunk or sober, i consider as a potential romance and even great love. the problem is i am incredibly fickle and get over most girls really quickly because i find something wrong with them or just get a general sense of boredom. the select few that i have fallen for have decided it was appropriate to break my heart (see morgan, angela, carley) or the ones i have thought had a chance just get fickle like me an move on (see jackie, and andi in a way). i think they were just trying to teach me a lesson. but i digress. i really do have good intentions, i dont hook up just because i want some ass, i want a girl to spend nights in front of the tv with doing nothing but being happy together, and i think thats what makes me not a player. besides, i really have no game at all, i have no idea how i get girls. it has also come up this weekend that i, brad maxfield, am shallow. my initial reaction to this was to be offended, but i realized that it is true, to an extent. i like good looking girls, so shoot me. i have passed on many girls who i am sure had GREAT personalities and would have made GREAT girlfriends simply because they were not good looking enough. i know what youre thinking, falling in love with someone always makes a person beautiful in your eyes, but if it takes love to make them look good, i think ill pass, i want someone who looks good during those hard times too. so yes, i am shallow about looks, but thats it. i would never date a dumb girl or one with no personality just because she was attractive. shallow relationships arent for me. and lets be honest, everyone is somewhat shallow. thats why ugly people are always with ugly people, they cant get attractive people, because regardless of what your mama told you, personality is only going to get you so far.
anyway, now that ive gotten started ive got a lot i want to say (god i missed you internet, i swear ill never leave you again), but since this blog is already long enough ill leave it there for now. oh ya, and for anyone who is keeping track or cares, im now living in a pretty sick house in tierra santa (not as far away as you think), ive got a job as an emt, and yes ladies, i am single.

Im a Wanderer...

2005-09-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

Im officially living on peoples couches now, mostly Ians, for the next couple months. Ive decided that this really sucks. I didnt give it much thought before I actually moved to Ians, but now that Im living it, its not a great situation. First of all, I really dont feel like I have a place I can call home, I dont have a room to myself (although Ian is gone a lot). I also have a ton of crap at his place, along with like 5 other peoples places (thanks guys), and I know most people dont care at all, but I feel like a burden on them. On the brighter side, Ians place does have a hot tub and pool, which is always nice. I also found out today that I passed by EMT test, which I was more worried about then I lead on, so now hopefully I will be able to start applying for jobs any day when I get the actualy results in the mail.
In the meantime, I had been going to restaurants picking up applications to be a server. Apparently nobody hires you as a server anymore, you have to start as a busser and work your way up. Everytime they tell me this I think "Im fucking 23 and have an English degree, there is no way in hell you can tell me Im not qualified to be a server." Not to mention I have serving experience. I have too much pride to be a busser, Id rather live on the streets and beg for money, Im dead serious. I am hopeful of getting a job delivering food for BJs Pizza. Its not glorious but Im sure its pretty easy and Id get decent tips. Anyway, I need to get something going now that Im jobless and homeless.
A couple funnier notes from the weekend...

On Friday night I was driving home from the bars with Ryan and Evan (another great night at Cass St Bar and Grill, my new favorite place in PB), its about 2 am when we pull up to a stop light right next to some chubby, uncute girls standing on the side of the road. One of them decides she likes us and jumps out into the middle of road, in front of our car, dancing. Yes, she was very wasted. About 20 seconds into her dance a police officer drives by on the other side of the road, but youd be a fool to think she noticed him. He watches her and looks at me laughing for about 10 seconds when the girl attempts a twirl and ends up face planting right into the street. At this point the cop gets out and puts her in handcuffs. The whole situation was hilarious, although we felt a little bad for the girl who got arrested.
Last night Ryan and I, after a long day of drinking, went to the Sandbar with some girls we knew. Being at the Sandbar with cute girls of course lead to dancing (which I hate, but if pretty girls want to rub their body all over mine, Im all for it). Anyways, Ryan and I are each dancing with our respective girls, and the idea that gets me excited is not actually hooking up with this girl Im dancing with, but both Ryan and I hooking then leaving their place the next morning and giving each other high fives as we walk to the car, just like in some cheezy 80's movie. Eventually some dude that Ryans girl liked showed up and ended Ryans chances (bastard) at which point I lost any real interest in my girl. Apparently Ive lost my ability to close the deal with girls. I guess lost it isnt the word, I just dont have the desire right now. It sounds kinda lame, but Im obviously still not over Morgan. So I still enjoy flirting a little bit, but beyond that I just dont want to try anymore. Its happened to me twice in the past few weeks, where a girl expressed obvious interest in getting with me and I just didnt even try to close the deal and get her. Then again, its not just closing the deal, I had a girl text me at 130 in the morning (I was still awake, but sober) basically asking me to come hook up with her. I turned her down, I just didnt care. I hate that I let girls (Morgan, Angela) get to me so deeply in such a short amount of time (two months). After that I turn really cold emotionally and can never really have that much fun because I always end up missing them. I guess Im kinda a pussy.
Last quick thing, I got my haircut a couple days ago by this incredibly racist, homphobic older Asian lady. Some of the highlights were her telling me that homosexuals want to look like women because on the inside they are women, and that shes glad we have lots of Russians here in San Diego and not "Africans because they rape and steal." I had to bite my lip hard so I didnt start cracking up. But hey, I always enjoy some good old fashioned racism. I dont think that its a good thing in general, but this lady is harmless, so no big deal.

Anyway, I dont have the internet at home right now (or for the next couple months) so I dont really know how often Ill be posting stuff here or even be on AIM. Call me though, I need something to do.

A few things I hate...

2005-08-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

Over the last few things I have realized some things thats I really hate and just want to get off my chest (not that I really think I am going to find much peace by typing a bunch of words into a computer, but what the hell...). I HATE cleaning. I have been stuck at my place the last few days with nothing to do but clean and pack so that I can move out of my place. I hate the smell of cleaning (mostly the smell of bleach), I hate how fucking hot it is here in San Diego right now and as a result how much I sweat when I clean. And I really hate that Im afraid no matter how much I clean the fucking Property Management company isnt going to think it is enough. Bastards. I hate being hungover. Even when its not a bad hangover, it sucks. You just dont feel normal, you arent quite functional. I found myself on Sunday in Vons (after some heavy drinking Saturday night), in the cleaning supplies aisle, trying to figure out what to buy. Now I didnt actually feel that bad, but my brain just decided that it didnt feel like working. All of a sudden I realized Id been staring at the same products for a good 2 minutes without actually deciding anything. And its not like I was thinking about something else, my brain just stopped working for a few minutes. I guess it was trying to get back at me for abusing it so badly the night before. But hangovers are like being sick, even when its just a little cold, you somehow fel off and its not fun. It gets in the way of an otherwise functional day. I hate when everything feels off. Lastly, I hate that Morgan won't talk to me anymore. Its not like things ended badly, they ended on great terms, no fighring, no mean words, no nothing. And for the first week and a half we talked a lot. Then after I went out there to get my car, she wont answer when I call and has only twice responded to text messages. She told me "its hard" to talk to me, but I dont really know what to make of that. Part of me fears that she is with another guy, that maybe she even left me to be with him. But I think thats just my worst fears fighting for some life in my brain, because honestly it doesnt add up at all. I think about everything that has happenend with us over the last month or so, and I just dont think that its possible she is or was with another guy (as much as I distrust women). Its more likely that, like Carley told me, she doesnt want to talk to me because she misses me and its hard, so she feels its better we dont talk. Like I said, we ended on good terms, she still really cared about me (I think), it was just too hard for her being apart from me all the time (understandable). Maybe I will never know, and maybe thats best. I would just hate for her to disappear from my life for ever, she is without a doubt one of the coolest people I have ever met and I would be really sad if I didnt get to be friends with her.
Well now that I wrote all that, I dont think I feel any better at all (stupid, useless blog), I might actually feel a little more frustrated because there is no end to all this. I still have a TON of work to do around my apartment with cleaning and packing and shit. I am sure I will continue to drink (and get hungover), although I am telling myself that I am not going to drink until the end of September (for countless reasons, but thats a whole separate entry). And I doubt that Morgan is going to answer the next time I call, or the time after that. But I also know I will keep trying. I dont know if thats good or bad.

Alcohol

2005-08-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

I love it but I hate it. I love the fun I can have on any given night just because I am drinking. I love how social I become when I drink and how I feel like I am God's gift to women. I feel invincible. I feel like the whole world is mine for the taking, and no one can get in my way. I love losing my inhibitions. I love that all it takes is a few drinks and all my worries are gone, all my pain is gone. Alcohol can be just like heaven in a bottle (or can). It can take something seemingly boring (sitting around in a room with a ton of people you dont know and only a few you do) and make it incredibly exciting. It makes for great stories. How many times have you started off a great story with "We were so wasted and..." I know I have countless stories like that. Some of my best friends I got to know under the influence of it. Some of the best conversations Ive ever had were fueled by it. In the words of Frank the Tank, "Its so sweet when it hits your lips." I love the taste of that first drink when you know that tonight you are getting drunk. Its the taste of excitement and mystery, because when lots of alcohol is involved, you never know what the night will hold. Alcohol is like freedom, its allows us to escape our normal lives for some short amount of time and just do whatever we want. I love alcohol. But despite all that, there is the obvious darkside to drinking. First there is the obvious: hangovers, DUIs, alcohol poisoning, puking, etc. But what is sometimes worse are the stupid things we do while intoxicated. Calling ex girlfriends at 1 in the morning when we know its a horrible idea, starting fights, lying, cheating, arguing. My relationship with Carley was ruined mostly because of alcohol. We would drink and then fight about the stupidest things, get upset over nothing, we would lie and one of us would cheat. I know people who stopped drinking for the sake of their relationship, because they had the same problems. Carley and I talked about doing it, but never were actually able to give it up. I have tons of respect those people. Sometimes the worst ideas seem like the best while drinking.
So why keep doing it? Why not just give it up? Itd save a TON of money, Im sure its largely responsible for that gut, and lots of the stupid things would stop. Is one night of fun worth the mistakes and pain that alcohol brings upon us? You would think the answer was obvious, but its not. Drinking is fun, it is social, it never fails to make life a little bit better, if just for a few hours. Call it what you want to call it, but where would the fun in life be if we didnt take chances for fun because of fear. Of course, safe drinking should always be practiced and you should always know how to control yourself to an extent, but fuck it, have fun. You only get to live that kind of lifestyle for so many years before you are too old and have too many responibilites, so I figure now is the time to get it out of your system. Sew your wild oats, so to speak.

Just wonder...

2005-08-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

I want to call her... but I cant, I shouldnt, I know she wont want to talk to me... but I just want to hear her voice... just maybe she will talk to me. I know she wont, so I wont call her... I will leave her alone, of course it is after midnight, I dont want to bug her... so I wont call... but of course I do... i call her... and obviously she doesnt answer. My heart breaks just a little more, I knew she wouldnt but I hoped... I havent talked to her in over two weeks... she wont take my calls. Im not really sure why anymore... she texts me to tell me its "hard" to talk to me, but that could mean a million things. All I have from her is a text message. Thats hard. I still love her, still think about her all the time... she wont talk to me. I feel great about that. I need to pass out, but I have many things to say on this... Ill update soon....

Ruined plans...

2005-08-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life sure likes to throw us curve balls. To me, one of my great annoyances is getting a head cold, and these things always seem to time themselves HORRIBLY. After taking nearly a month off from working out (mostly because I decided that getting drunk was more important, but thats a whole different blog), for the last two or three weeks I have been working out daily, and with the new bike Id ben getting nice long workouts too (read 1 and a half to two hours). I went for a run a couple days ago and put in nearly 10 miles when I was only planning on doing about six, just because I was feeling really good. Then what happens? I start getting sick, great, fucking cold. I dont even know how it happened, but of course Im coughing and my throat is swollen, bastard cold. Of course this causes a huge debate in my head... Do I continue to workout, knowing that its going to make this cold last longer then is has to? Or do I take a couple days off so that I can get healthy? If I take a couple of days off, how much fitness am I going to lose? I was just getting to be really happy about where I was physically, am I going to have to start over? If I do run, will I actually be able to get in a good workout or will I tire out really easy? Fuck, what if I got the West Nile Virus? You dont have West Nile. I might. No you dont, you are being stupid. But it is possible, isnt it? I guess its possible... You guess, FUCK, I definitely have west nile. Am I going to die? Probably. Maybe. Yes. No. No, Im not going to die... I dont have west nile, its just a head cold, Ill be fine in a couple days. Oh, OK, well should I keep working out? Isnt that what we were just talking about? Oh thats right... Fuck, I get so easily distracted. I wonder if I have ADD? Shut up!
Anyway, I think Ive made a compromise with myself, Ill give my body three days to rest and get healthy. If it doesnt get healthy after that, I am going to start punishing it again, starting with a long fucking ride or maybe a 12 mile run. Either way, my body is in for some punishment because it is being a pussy and getting sick. Fucking immune system. Today is day two and I feel about the same as I did yesterday. Luckily my cabinet is stocked full of Vitamin C, Echinacea, Airborne, and other vitamins. Granted, if you come over here and want something to eat, you are shit out of luck unless you really like peanut butter, cheese, and ketchup. But if you have a cold, I have got you covered.

Money...

2005-08-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

i feel useless, robbed, stuck inside on a beautiful day. i check my bank account, fuck, im in overdraft again. when am i going to get out of debt? im not sure, payday is five days away, a few people owe me money, maybe i should hit them up. but how long before i see those fucking red numbers again. they taunt me, tease me for not having a real job and not even really trying to get one. i consider selling drugs, but i wouldnt even know how to start. maybe i could sell my body for sex, but who am i kidding, i cant give that shit away right now. again and again ill see those red little bitches staring at me, challenging me to get my shit together, urging me to go out and do something other than watch tv all day. money, or my lack thereof, is my giant fucking raincloud on an otherwise sunny day. it makes me feel like someone took a shit on top of my sundae. i stare and stare and stare, but the numbers dont change, they never change. and they dont lie... i keep hoping the bank will fuck up, accidently put five hundred dollars in my account, or maybe in my next paycheck theyll misplace the decimal, turning my $300 paycheck into a $3000 one. but thats not gonna happen. i know that i cant wait for lightning to strike me with some fucking miracle of money, i need to do something about it. i consider taking all the money i can get my hands on, going to some lousy indian casino and putting it all on black, or maybe red, no fuck red, red is what got me here in the first place. ill put it all on black. but that wont work, once again im waiting for lightning to strike when really i should be out chasing down some source of income. maybe i could donate blood...?

Fuck this blog

2005-08-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

Fuck this blog site, I had just finished my first blog, which took some serious fucking time, and the damn website crashed and I lost everything I wrote. Oh well, I will try and recreate it for you...
Why am I starting a blog? Well for two reasons probably, I think that I am doing this 1) out of boredom, and 2) mostly to stroke my own ego. I think that I have lots of wonderful and inciteful things to write about stemming from my crazy life and all my unusual friends. Also, I have my degree in English from a respected (well, some respect it, not me however) University, so I must be able to write well. In my head, I said to myself, "Stud (I call myself 'stud' in my interior monologues), you need to get all these things that are in your head out there for others to read about. They will sing your praises, tell you what an amzing writer you are and how well you express your incredible commentaries on life and society. They will encourage, no, insist that you write a book so that you can share your gift with all the world, so that ultimately everyone can be a better person." Of course at this point my imagination starts to get a little carried away. I picture publishing my book to great critical acclaim, even winning a Pulitzer prize. This, obviously, will thrust me into greatness and I will become a recognizable figure everywhere. I will write many books thereafter, all being well recieved by critics and fans alike, I will be called the second coming of Joyce (James Joyce, the famous Irish writer, probably one of the greatest of all time, for those of you who arent English majors). This will in turn bring money, beautiful women, fast cars, and houses on the beach. Starving college students will seek out my advice on how to become a great writer ("its a gift really, not something that can be taught, sorry."). Life will be good. But then of course I will publish my tenth book (at the ripe, young age of 39) and it will be panned by all the critics. I wont be able to handle the criticism and everyone saying that Ive lost my gift, that now Im just another hack. So I will turn to coke to answer all my problems. I will get deeper and deeper into the habit, completely disappearing from the world. My beautiful supermodel/actress wife will try to get me to stop, tell me that she loves me and thats all I need (lying bitch, I know all she really wants is my money). But I wont listen, Ill continue my habit for years, until one day, when Ive spent every last penny on my sweet white nose candy and I have hit absolute rock bottom, I will come to my senses. I will decide to turn everything around and even start writing again. I can see my triumphant return. Sadly, at that very moment, my wife will burst in and put three bullets in my head (bitch!), ending what could have been a wonderful comeback. She had hoped that since I spent every cent on my addiction she could somehow cash in on my life insurance policy so she didnt have to be miserable anymore. What the ugly cunt (the aging process and her own little drug habit turned her once beautiful face into something that resembled the bottom of a garbage can after trash day) didnt realize was that I had long ago dropped that policy (fuck her if i die, i told myself) and used the money on more blow. The stupid broad also didnt stop to think that if she was the reason I died she wouldnt get any of the money, even if in her own little warped world or princess tiarras and rainbows she felt justified. Now she is going to be condemned to a life in prison, being the love slave of some giant dyke named Ryan (we all know how prison sex is for women, thanks to the lovely Cinemax channel). What a tragic end for me... I could have gotten it all back, maybe even won another Pulitzer, but some dumb bitch had to take it all away from me. Isnt that just like a woman? Whats more disturbing than that is that my own fantasies have me becoming a coke addict and getting murdered by my wife. Fuck this blog if thats what its going to lead to...
But I digress... What was I talking about? Well I am not really sure what I will write about, probably really random shit like what I just wrote, mostly my thoughts on whatever is poignant at the moment. Hopefully I wont write too many drunken feelings or offend too many of my friends by publicizing the crazy things they say and do. This may even end up being my last blog, if a few hours from now I decide starting a blog was a stupid idea in the first place, which is something I would do. I am fickle, what can I say. Fuck it...

Fuck this blog

2005-08-23T19:26:00.000-07:00